Thank you for all your kind and encouraging words, as well as your prayers for us, on my last post. The flood has subsided and we are - me, my husband and Baby Michael are safe and dry. ^_^ It's still rainy season here in Jakarta, so I hope there won't be no more flood!
When writing this, I'm on week 36th of my pregnancy and I have so many questions and worries inside my mind. Especially since I knew that I would have to go through C-section instead of normal birth, and I've never had any stays in hospital in my life, not to mention having a surgery! So as time comes closer, I become more and more anxious and yes, scared.
I'm afraid ot the needle and pain.
I'm afraid that I would not recover quickly after the surgery, and I so want to get back on my feet again after months of difficult and inactive pregnancy.
I'm afraid that my husband cannot take it anymore, having a wife who is in such weak condition for months already, and is still weak even after giving birth!
I'm afraid that I will not get my shape back after having a baby, since there's no way that you can do pilates within a short period of time after C-section, rite! I know it sounds shallow, but I do care about what I look like. My husband doesn't expect me to look like twenty-something forever, of course. But he did told me that it would be nice to have a wife who doesn't "let herself go" after having children, at least, he said, he will appreciate if I look like I'm raking care of myself and make an effort to look nice. So yeah, I want to do that for him, as well as for myself.
I'm afraid if I cannot be a good mother. I know nothing about taking care of a baby! I'm the youngest child, so I never had any baby brother or sister to take care of when I was growing up.
I'm afraid that I would become too tired and cranky to be a good wife from taking care of the baby.
I'm afraid that I would not have enough time for my husband and for myself after the baby.
I'm afraid of losing too much blood during the surgery.
I'm afraid that I won't be coming out of the surgery room alive!
Gosh, I know I sound paranoid, but that's what I'm feeling right now. By the time this post is published, I would have gone through it and perhaps laugh at my own silliness. I hope. But right now, the most relieving thing I could do is just spilling it all out!
So what's a girl to do in a situation like this? Well, this girl prays. She asked people and especially her loved ones to pray for her. I asked my husband to include me in his prayers, also. I have never asked for that before. I just told him yesterday that I'm afraid, and he said it's OK, I could share my worries with him. But I know that he is also stressed out and worry but won't say it, so I really really don't want to add to that.
So I pray. It does work wonders, Friends. It doesn't erase all the worries, but it helps a lot.
I am not in control. But He does. And boy, remembering that makes me feel somehow so much better!
"When my soul fainted within me, I remembered the Lord;
My prayer reached You in Your holy temple."
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