Sunday, April 14, 2013

Mother of Pearl(escent)

Today's post is dedicated a single friend who is dear to me, and also to all single women out there. This is not a gathering of my own thoughts, actually. I gathered information from six men and mixed them into my writing.

One day, a single female friend came over to visit me at home and told me about her relationship with this particular man who she's head-over-heel lovey-dovey with. They've been together for a year, and though she asked several times, he still refused to introduce her to his parents. My friend said that she wants to be married to him, but this man "has a problem with commitment." Mind you, both of them are in their thirties, so in terms of age and financial situation and things like that, they are more than ready to jump into a more serious commitment. Like marriage.

So here she is, trying harder and harder to please this man, wondering what was wrong with her that the man refused to commit, getting more and more confused and frustrated.

A problem with commitment? Hmmm... that sounds familiar. That was my own problem for years, when my parents and close friends have witnessed my turbulent and unhealthy love lives, when I changed boyfriends every three months or so, and walked away whenever the relationship had became "too serious". Because "I have a problem with commitment." And as someone who used to have that "I have a problem commitment" problem, I know full well that stringing along anyone in a relationship that's not going anywhere will not make me an inch closer to make a commitment. The motive is plain and simple: plain selfishness. It's like: "You're not good enough to really have me and my love, but you're OK enough until someone better comes along."

But I'm a woman. Perhaps it's different with the other sex? I think it would be interesting to find out from the men's perspective. So I asked five men whom I knew of what they think about this particular case.

The first is a married man in his thirties who have been in three other serious relationships in the past. What I mean serious was both set of parents had known of each other and they had talked about marriage, though no engagement or anything like that.

The second is married man in his seventies who had a string of ex girlfriends when he was young and now have been married to one woman for many many years.

The third is another thirty-something married man who left a long-time serious girlfriend - approved by his parents - to be with this woman  - whom his parents disapproved at first - who is now his wife.

The fourth is a re-married man in his forties who had a very disastrous divorce several years ago (His wife left him for another man and walked away with their only child and most of his money and assets. He was too numb and heartbroken to contest anything at that time.). He lived a sort of wild boy's life for several years before he met the woman who is now his wife.

The fifth is another forty-something man who also had a divorce and now has been re-married for many years.

The sixth is a single man in his late thirties who, after a year of reflecting and deep thinking, decided that he "had a problem with commitment" and announced to the family that he would never marry. Less than a year after that, he met this woman and within months he was dead set on marrying her, much to his family's surprise.

Their answers varied in terms of words, but overall, they came up with two themes of similar opinions.

"There is no such thing as 'I have problem with commitment'. There is only 'I have problem with commitment, with YOU' "

"When a man really wants to be with a woman, he will move heaven and earth to be with her. And when a man doesn't really want to be with a women, he will find any excuse in heaven and earth NOT to be with her."

"After my first wife's betrayal I was too badly wounded I thought I would never trust or commit to any woman until the day I die. When I met the woman who is now my wife, all those doubts and fears just flew out of the window."

"When I was with my ex, though we have talked about marriage and both our parents have approved, I have these annoying doubts in my mind 'Am I doing the right thing? Am I right for her? Is she right for me?' With my wife whom I'm married to now, I never, not once, had those doubts. I didn't even care that she had doubts about me. After she said yes, I just charged on like a bull with the wedding plan, with all the consequences should she changed her mind later and left me right in front of the altar. Thankfully, she didn't. And until now, I still think that pursuing her relentlessly then marrying her was the rightest and best decision I ever made in my entire life."

"When I was with my ex, whenever we had problems that eventually led to our breaking up, I didn't try hard enough to solve the problems because maybe, deep down, unconciously, I knew that we were not really meant to be. But with the woman who is now my wife, whenever we have a problem, no matter how prideful or huge my male ego is, I will walk on my head if necessary to make it right again."

"When a man says he has problem with commitment with a particular woman, basically he was saying that he thinks the woman is not right for her or frankly beneath his 'qualifications' for a wife."

Well? I won't say much, dear Friend of mine. I think what I wrote had already spoken for themselves, and loudly, came out directly from the mouth of the mysterious opposite sex. Yes? ^__^ 

Last but not least: 

"Never make a priority of someone who treats you as a convenient alternative,"

These pictures were taken when I was 27 weeks pregnant.  The frilly chiffon top was not meant to be maternity wear. I bought the top in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, during a vacation, and found out that the baby doll style was just perfect for pregnant ladies. I had no interest to spend much money on clothing that I would only wear for a couple of months, so I was always looking for creative ways to make do with whatever I already had in my wardrobe during my pregnancy. As the tummy got bigger it became more complicated, but I managed to buy only three maternity outfits to be worn at the end of the pregnancy when I knew I'd become huge. That saved a lot of money, since nice maternity clothes are pretty expensive. The cheap ones won't do, since most ot them are very uncomfortable to wear, and when you are swelling and big, and tired and hot, you'd want all the help you can get to feel more comfortable!

I always wondered what I'd do this grey and silver eyeshadow that I'd already had in one of my eyeshadow palette. With the grey-ish accessories, today I decided to give it a try. Not bad!

When all you can wear is flats, you'd want to wear the cutest and most fashionable ones possible! Bling bling!

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Marian said...

I love this outfit - so elegant and coordinated!

Patti @ NotDeadYet Style said...

Wonderful writing, and what a beautiful outfit. Thanks for sharing with Visible Monday!

Fawn @ Happy Wives Club said...

You wear pregnancy very well!

Ann P said...

Interesting post on commitment in relationships. As a Christian, I would only add one other thing...having an understanding of God's love and loving the other the same way God loves us helps us realize that love is unconditional and unending.
Blessings, Ann @ Christ in the Clouds

Nikki said...

Love your arm party! So bright and fun and colorful. I'm sure motherhood is/can be taxing but you wear it so well! :) Found you via the Real Girl Glam linkup! :)
Nikki at

Object of Maya*ffection said...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE what you had to say about commitment - it is SO TRUE!! and when it's "right" you know it! When it's "not right" you tend to squash the voice of logic...interesting hearing it from all different perspectives

Judith said...

I love the top. Thanks for sharing over at WholeHearted Home this week.

Charlene@APinchofJoy said...

Love this outfit -- perfect accessories! thanks so much for sharing on busy Monday!

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